


Let's Watch It Grow And Die.

by lizibabes



Series: Dark Bingo [2]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Excessive Drinking, M/M, Mentions of Violence, References to Homophobia, Sex, Swearing, Verbal Abuse, attempted non-con, dark in places., references to violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-06
Updated: 2012-01-06
Packaged: 2017-10-29 01:51:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/314538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizibabes/pseuds/lizibabes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fill for the Hatred prompt for Dark bingo and distress for 10_hurt_comfort. Falling in love and getting together should be the hardest part, should have been, but then they break up and they both learn the hardest thing to do is be in a band with someone you once loved and now hate. After a show Adam lays in to Tommy in front of a lot of people and doesn't realise quiet how much he hurts his ex until nobody can find Tommy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let's Watch It Grow And Die.

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: I_glitterz  
> Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters in this story and as far as I’m aware this never happened.  
> AU in that Tommy is openly Bisexual. Dark in places. This fic deals with two people who've had a bad break up, so there will be a lot of negativity between them, but I mean no offensive to the people whose likeness I'm using in this story. Title is a lyric from the song men by the Dodos.

Adam POV  
　  
It had taken them the whole first tour to get together and half the second to break up. Falling in love and getting together should have been the hardest part, should have been but it isn't. He'd wanted Tommy from the first moment he saw him, at first he'd just wanted him in his bed and then he had got to know Tommy and he'd wanted so much more. He'd been a little worried about dating a guy who was Bi, worried that he wouldn't be enough for Tommy, that Tommy would get sick of him and want a woman. It had made him paranoid and jealous from day one. He'd got angry every time a pretty girl so much as fluttered her eyelashes at Tommy. It might not have been so bad if Tommy had discouraged the attention, but he never did, he flirted back. He told Adam it wasn't a big deal and that the flirting was harmless, that no matter who he flirted with in the day, it was Adam's bed he was in at night. He'd asked Tommy to stop, for his sake and Tommy wouldn't. He thinks that's when the cracks really started to show.  
　  
Their relationship had ended in a lovely hotel suite in Paris. They should have been making the best of a big bed and privacy and instead they'd ended up yelling at each other. Adam still doesn't remember about what. Then Tommy had sat down, head in his hands at the end of the bed, looking defeated and frustrated.  
　  
"I can't do this anymore." Tommy had said softly and it had sounded worse than any of the shouted insults had.  
　  
"You’re breaking up with me?" Even though they'd been having problems, he hadn't seen it coming. He wouldn't have risked dating someone in his band if he'd thought it would only last half a tour.  
　  
"I don't want to end up hating you and if we stay together, I will." Tommy had sighed, looking up at Adam with big brown eyes, like he was trying to let Adam down gently and it had made his blood boil.  
　  
"Get out of my room." Adam had ordered, even though it was their room, both their suitcases open against the wall, they weren't staying long enough to need to unpack anything.   
　  
Tommy had walked to his suitcase, zipped it up and walked away, leaving the room, but not his life.  
　  
Tommy might have thought breaking up would stop them hating each other, but it didn't and the fight they'd had in their Paris hotel room was far from their last. They travelled everywhere in separate buses, Tommy with the band, Adam with the dancers. When they went out, Tommy didn't come with them, Isaac started staying in with Tommy, he said it was because he needed to call his wife, but they all knew he shared with Tommy and how they were as close as brothers. Adam hates that it's made everything change and even though he knows deep down he's just as much to blame as Tommy, he can't seem to stop himself from blaming Tommy.  
　  
He hates Tommy, hates him for turning him into a jealous idiot he didn't even recognise. Hates him for turning Isaac against him, even though Isaac is still nice to Adam, it's pretty clear his loyalties lie with Tommy. He hates him for making him love him, for leaving, he just hates him because it's easier than hurting. When they have a small break between shows, he hates Tommy for making him miss him.  
　  
And then he sees the videos, links tweeted to him by fans who know nothing about what happened. It was never made public that they were really together, so no one apart from the band and dancers know about the break up. Adam had told his parents, Neil would have otherwise, they had been happy to hear he was with Tommy, they liked Tommy, now they had broken up and they worried, it was another thing to hate Tommy, he doesn't think Tommy even told his Mom. But the videos, they make him madder than a lot of things have. Youtube videos of Tommy and Isaac performing with Ravi Dhar and the Heartless during the break. He watches over and over, Ravi grabbing Tommy, pulling him close, pulling his hair, almost kissing him. He watches until his eyes blur and he tells himself it's not because of tears, he isn't crying over this. He tells himself he's just disappointed that he spent so much time with a guy like that, one who could move on so easily, that may have even been with someone else all along. He'd thought he knew Tommy, had let the other man in, past all the walls he'd built up in all his past relationships. He was stupid, shouldn't have let down his defences and it just makes him hate Tommy even more.   
　  
When they go back on tour it's even harder for him to be around Tommy, until one day when they’re at a venue after a show, waiting for cars to take them back to the hotel before they go to the buses again in the morning. All he can think about is how his Glamily will be split up, how they always are because of Tommy. He keeps thinking about the videos and Ravi, about how today on stage when he kissed Tommy, a tiny peck to keep the fans happy, Tommy had all but flinched away from him. They've done the Fever kiss since they broke up, he doesn't get what Tommy's problem is and decides to tell him as much.  
　  
"What the fuck was that out there?" Adam asks.  
　  
"What was what?" Tommy asks, taking the bottle of water Isaac hands him, hardly even looking at Adam.  
　  
"You agreed to act normally on stage. We always do something in Fever." Adam growls.  
　  
"We don't always kiss." Tommy shrugs, like it isn't a big deal that he flinched away from Adam's touch, for all the fans to see and speculate. He doesn't even want to know what his twitter feed looks like right now. What people must be thinking having seen Tommy treating him like a leper. It pisses him off, he doesn't think he has ever hated anyone more than he does Tommy right now.  
　  
"That wasn't normal, don't fucking pretend it is." Adam snaps and Tommy's head jerks up when Adam swears, he looks shocked, like he didn't expect Adam to be mad. God he had loved Tommy, more than he ever loved any other man, to have him act like he found Adam's touch repulsive now was infuriating and it hurt. Whenever his heart hurt because of Tommy he pushed to turn it into anger, into hatred, because it was easier than hurting.  
　  
"Adam, maybe we should leave this till we're at the hotel. You guys can talk in private." Monte suggests.  
　  
"No, we go back to the hotel, he'll just hide in his hotel room. People have noticed he's never seen with us anymore." Adam points out, too pissed off to be reasonable.  
　  
"I've seen the way you are with Ravi on stage, seems like he's good enough to touch you on stage, but I'm not? Yeah I've seen you with him, acting like a total little slut. What is it, do you just like playing with people till you get bored of them? You like teasing more than actually being with someone?" Adam snarls.  
　  
"Adam, come on man, back off." Isaac says, looking worried, edging between Adam and Tommy, like Tommy needs protecting from him, when he has never hurt Tommy. Tommy just stands there, head hanging, looking at his feet instead of at Adam, not opening his own damn mouth to argue or to defend himself. It makes Adam madder, hatred thick and black, running threw his veins like poison.   
　  
"Christ, do you always have to defend him? Is he really that pathetic, that weak that he needs you to defend him?" Adam asks, if Tommy is going to act like he can't even hear Adam, then he might as well talk to Isaac like Tommy isn't even in the room. He likes Isaac, had from the moment he joined the band, but he hates how Isaac has made it so clear he's on Tommy's side. Tommy broke up with him, it doesn't seem fair that he's lost friends over this break up, he hates it.  
　  
"That's enough, Adam. You've said enough." Isaac looks pissed, like he'd like nothing better than to hit Adam, like he's some monster terrorising Tommy. He was a jealous prick when they were together, he knows that he was and that it was wrong, but he doesn't think he deserves the cold shoulder from Tommy or Isaac's attitude. He has a right to be mad, a man he loved, still loves, won't even look him in the eye anymore.  
　  
"For fucks sake, are you fucking him as well as Ravi? Looks like he's really getting around." Adam spits, even though he knows it's unfair and untrue. Isaac wouldn't cheat on his wife and Tommy wouldn't sleep with a married man, but he's hurting and he just wants to make Tommy hurt. He's hoping if he says something vile enough Tommy will snap out of whatever daze he's in and say something, fight with him, anything, he just wants a reaction.  
　  
Tommy doesn't say anything though, he just pushes past Isaac and runs off. Without a word or a sound he's running and all Adam can do is stare. Isaac is still for a moment, before he shoots Adam a dirty look and runs off after Tommy.  
　  
"Adam, you’re going to have to apologize for that." Monte says firmly, nobody else is saying anything. They've all seen Adam and Tommy argue before, but none of them have seen Tommy just stand there and take it before running off, Adam has never seen that before either.  
　  
"I know, God I know I was wrong. I just wanted him to do something, say something." Adam says softly. He sits down with the others and waits and waits, all of them sat in silence. Isaac comes back long after the cars have arrived to take them to the hotel.  
　  
"Where's Tommy, in the car already?" Monte asks.   
　  
"No, I couldn't find him." Isaac looks worried, really worried and Adam doesn't get it, they’re in a venue, it's safe, it's not like anything bad could happen.  
　  
"I'll go talk to security." Lane says, getting up and Adam can tell by her tone that he's in for another talk about keeping his private life and work life separate.   
　  
"He's not fucking Ravi, by the way. Ravi's straight." Isaac snaps at him and he doesn't ever think he's seen Isaac mad like this. He's a laid back guy, it's why he gets on so well with Tommy.  
　  
"Well he wouldn't be the first to change his mind and I've seen the videos of you guys performing." Adam says sourly.  
　  
"Ravi asked if he could fool around with Tommy on stage, he always thought the reaction you and Tommy got was cool. He asked and Tommy said no, thought Ravi was just trying to get attention. Ravi grabbed at him anyway. He tried to kiss him in rehearsals the other day and Tommy punched him, gave him a black eye." Isaac folds his arms across his chest, looking pissed off and worried all at the same time.  
　  
"Tommy punched someone?" Neil asks, glaring at Adam like he's the world’s biggest moron, which he probably is, but he doesn't really like the fact that his own brother is taking Tommy's side. But he's equally surprised that Tommy hit someone, Tommy's the sort of guy who would fight to defend himself, his friends and his family, but he's not violent, doesn't have much of a temper. When they were dating Adam used to push and push hoping for a reaction, he wanted Tommy to call him out on his bullshit, for him not to put up with it, but Tommy wouldn't even yell back half the time, let alone tell Adam he was being a dick when he got jealous, he just dismissed it, wouldn't talk about it. He avoided confrontation like it was the plague. Adam couldn't imagine him punching someone, a friend, over an unwanted, attempted kiss.   
　  
"Ravi apologized, he realized it was a dick move. He gets over excited, forgets himself." Isaac bites his lip and looks almost shifty, like he hadn't meant to say all of that.  
　  
Lane comes back and says they haven't found Tommy, but a lot of people are looking, so they should go to the hotel and wait. She promises to stay behind. Adam ends up in a car with Neil, Monte and Isaac, everyone else is probably avoiding him in case he loses his shit again. He's starting to get worried. He tries to tell himself Tommy is just being a drama queen, acting out or some shit, but as mad as he is at Tommy for dumping him, he knows the other man isn't like that. Tommy wouldn't worry them all just for the sake of making them worry.  
　  
"If he gets hurt, I'll leave the band. I won't stay around you if you've got him hurt, he's been through enough." Isaac bites out, he looks pale, worried sick. Adam doesn't get it, Tommy is a grown ass man, he's not a little kid who's run off, he should be fine, Isaac has no reason to think he'll be anything but fine.  
　  
"Isaac, I'm sure Tommy will be fine, he probably just went outside to get some air, he's probably signing shit for fans or something." Monte suggests, but Isaac doesn't look convinced.  
　  
Adam goes to his room when they get to the hotel. Neil follows, something about making sure he doesn't do anything else stupid today. Adam lies on his bed fully clothed and ignores his brother. The more time passes the more worry starts to creep in, past the hateful feelings he had be using to stop his heart hurting over Tommy. When five hours have gone past and no one's heard from Tommy, not a tweet, call, text, anything. Adam gets up and goes to Isaac's room, Neil following at his heels like a yappy little dog.   
　  
"Fighting with Isaac won't make Tommy appear magically, Adam." Neil snipes when they get to Isaac's room.  
　  
"I know that." He's not here to fight, the things that Isaac has said, the way he was acting, always so protective of Tommy and Adam can't even remember when it started. Something is going on, something other than him being the world’s biggest asshole to Tommy. It's late, but he doesn't doubt that Isaac will still be up, waiting for Tommy to be found or come back.  
　  
Isaac opens the door, he looks worse than he had in the car, paler. He also doesn't look at all happy to see Adam standing outside his door.  
　  
"What do you want?" Isaac asks.  
　  
"Can I come in, I want to talk." Adam sighs.  
　  
"Fine." Isaac walks back into his room, it's a double, he's meant to be sharing with Tommy, but one bed is untouched, someone has brought up Tommy's suitcase, but it rests unopened against one wall. It makes Adam think of the day he ordered Tommy to get out of their room. He can't help but think he shouldn't have said that, he should have asked Tommy to stay, to try and work out their problems. He told Tommy to go then and he's gone now and all he wants is for Tommy to be back here with him.  
　  
"You know I'm worried about Tommy too." Adam points out as he sits down.  
　  
"We all are." Neil admits, sitting next to them.  
　  
Isaac sits on the end of his bed and looks at both of them, like maybe he's trying to see if they really mean it or something.  
　  
"I thought you hated him?" Isaac asks him.  
　  
"Fuck, Isaac I never hated Tommy, not really. It's just easier to act like I do that to admit I miss him, to admit I ruined the best relationship I ever had. I got jealous, even though I knew he was faithful, it was like I couldn't believe everything was so perfect, that I had him, so I wrecked it. And I've regretted it every single day since it happened." Adam admits finally, he sees even Neil looks a little shocked. Adam hasn't exactly been quiet about his so called feelings about Tommy around the people who knew about them since the break-up. He's been switching between acting like he just doesn't care that they are over and hating Tommy, but none of it is real. He made himself feel hate instead of loss.  
　  
"Fuck, you know after he broke it off, he was going to ask you back out, but like ask to do things slow? He said he thought where you guys got together on tour, it put too much pressure on you both. Like normally people would date and shit before moving in together. He said it was like you both missed a lot of steps, that maybe it could work if you got to know each other that way. You went from best friends to living together, he figured maybe if you guys had space as well as getting together, that it could work." Isaac shrugs and what he's saying, what Tommy apparently said isn't wrong. One minute they were good friends, the next they were fucking and all but living together and sometimes they both reacted weirdly to the other person doing something you would do in a relationship, but not a friendship. It was like even though they'd gone to bed, not enough had changed. Because they didn't date, they just did all the same old things they did as friends, only at night Tommy was climbing into Adam's bed to do more than sleep or cuddle. They hadn't gone about getting together normally and it had caused problems. Adam has been blaming his jealousy issues, he'd thought Tommy had felt the same, blamed him. It's a little distressing to find out he was so wrong, that he read so much, so wrong.  
　  
"But, he never said any of this. Why didn't he, was it because I was such an ass to him all the time, especially since the break we all took?" Adam asks, he's not sure he'll ever stop hating himself if he ruined his chance to be with Tommy all because he didn't want the people around him to see how hurt he was.  
　  
"He wanted to give you time, to calm down, but you didn't calm down. He gave you space like he thought you wanted and that seemed to piss you off and then some stuff happened and he decided he wasn't ready to ask you out again. He just wanted you to forgive him. I told him he didn't need forgiving, he didn't do anything wrong, you guys were making each other miserable." Isaac sighs.  
　  
"Along with everyone else." Neil mutters.  
　  
"Not helpful." Adam shoots back, without heat. He can't believe he pushed Tommy away. Tommy wanted to work on their problems, fix things and Adam didn't even give him a chance.  
　  
"What happened in break? You make it sound like something happened, did he meet someone?" Adam asks, he feels like his heart is breaking and it's his own goddamn fault.  
　  
"No, fuck, I shouldn't even be telling you any of this, it's private." Isaac groans.  
　  
"I think Tommy would get it. Someone needs to clear the air and neither Tommy or Adam seem to have the brains to talk about it like adults." Neil points out, Adam would strangle his little brother, if he wasn't right, not that he's about to admit that to Neil's face.  
　  
"It's worse than that. I didn't promise not to tell, shit he only told me because he didn't have much choice." Isaac hides his face in his hands, he looks worried and it makes Adam worry too.  
　  
"What is it Isaac, you’re scaring me." Adam can see Neil looks just as worried and Neil isn't really the worrier in the family.  
　  
"We put on a show, with Ravi, it went well. We were packing up are gear and I couldn't find Tommy. He was just meant to go and get the van, drive it round the back of the bar. So we could load our gear up. We couldn't park close, loading bay for stock deliveries was out back, no parking any time." Isaac looks so pale Adam wouldn't be surprised if he fainted or threw up.  
　  
"That's why you got weird about him going off alone." Neil realizes.  
　  
"Yeah, we thought maybe he'd been stopped by fans or something, it happens. So I called him, to see what was taking so long, but he didn't answer. We left the other guys with are gear and me and Ravi went to look for him." Isaac stops and takes a deep breath and a part of Adam doesn't want to hear what happen next, what terrible thing happened to Tommy whilst Adam was sat in a hotel somewhere hating him.  
　  
"We got to the van, the doors were closed and Tommy was inside. It wasn't till we got close that we smelt it, the van it smelt like fuel and at first I thought maybe there was a leak, engine trouble and that was why he was taking so long, but then I saw his face, he looked terrified and there were red marks all over his neck. He wouldn't even open the door at first and he was shaking when he did and he had all these scratches on his arms." Isaac looks horrified and Adam can tell by his wide glazed eyes that Isaac isn't seeing them, the hotel room, he's back by the van with Tommy, seeing whatever the hell happened to him.   
　  
"What had happen?" Adam asks, finally managing to force the words out.  
　  
"Some guy attacked him when he was walking back to the van. Tommy wouldn't say why when I first asked, but after Ravi left he told me it was because the guy said he didn't like fags. He said he thought all fags should burn, that he was going to rid the earth of queers one at a time. He tried to pour gasoline on Tommy, got some on him before Tommy got loose, ran to the van. Crazy fucker followed him, poured it all over the van. Tommy said he heard sirens close by and the guy ran." Isaac trails off his voice sounding suspiciously tight, like he might be fighting back tears, Adam knows he is.  
　  
"Did you go to the police?" Neil asks.  
　  
"Yeah, I went with him. There was a shop close by and their security got most of it. It was a hate crime, he should be headed to jail, but his lawyers fighting to get him put in a psychiatric unit. That sick fucker beat him, threatened him and tried to burn him alive. I've never seen him look so scared. And the worst bit is, Tommy, he can't even understand how someone can be that filled with hate." Isaac doesn't look like he understands either.  
　  
Adam has seen his fair share of homophobia, knows that coming out as Bi wasn't easy for Tommy, it lost him a lot of friends. But Adam had never faced something like that, back in high school guys had told him 'he was dead' or that 'he belonged in hell' but he hadn't ever had his life threatened by somebody that meant it. He can't get the image of Tommy on the floor out of his head. Tommy distressed and hurt, while some hate filled monster of a man pours gasoline on him and threatens to light it. He can't even imagine how scared Tommy would have been. Tommy has been timid, quieter than usual, he doesn't go anywhere alone, Isaac always staying close. Adam had arrogantly put it down to their break up, but he was wrong, so fucking wrong.  
　  
"Fuck, how could we not here about this?" Neil asks.  
　  
"The police were happy to keep it out of the press. He stayed at my house, hid the injuries with clothes and makeup, never told anyone. Ravi and the band know because we were all there that night. And I told Sophie when I brought Tommy home. Oh by the way, I don't appreciate you accusing me of cheating on my wife." Isaac shakes his head.  
　  
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were looking after him, that he'd been hurt and I was pissed that he was ignoring me, that he flinched away from me kissing him." Adam admits and he feels something in his stomach tighten into a knot.  
　  
"I get not wanting to go places alone or be around people. But why didn't he want to be touched? Is he still hurt? Or is it something else?" Please don't let him have been hurt bad enough to still be in pain and God please don't let any of the things Adam is thinking could have happened actually have happened.  
　  
"He threatened to rape him, said seen as he liked flaunting the fact that he was rolling over for his perverted boyfriend meant he should be treated like the slut he is." Isaac says, voice quiet and brittle.  
　  
A slut, the psycho called him a slut while threatening to rape him before he killed him. Adam called him a slut before he ran off, he doesn't think he could hate himself more.  
　  
"Why didn't he tell us?" Adam asks softly.  
　  
"He was embarrassed." Isaac sighs.  
　  
"What the fuck, it's not his fault he got attacked." Neil looks appalled and Adam would have to agree.  
　  
"He kept saying everyone would think he was weak and cuddle him if they knew he got beat up. Had this stupid idea that people would see him as less of a man. And he thought you'd all maybe think he was flirting with the guy, lead him on and it turned nasty. He's got a lot of shit from people for being a flirt. I've been trying to make him see no one fucking asks to have someone try to rape them or rape them. That it shouldn't matter how he acts. But he's shook up and messed up. I'm not saying this to hurt you Adam, but the shit you've been saying hasn't helped." Isaac doesn't glare, he doesn't have to, Adam gets it, he really fucking gets how badly he has fucked up without meaning to.  
　  
"I have to fix this." he knows being there for Tommy won't make it magically better, won't take away the trauma he went through, but he wants to not be the thing that is making it worse. He wants to be here for Tommy.  
　  
"You'll have to find him first, I really don't know where he is." Isaac points out.  
　  
"Fuck." Adam groans.  
　  
"Has he gone off like this at all since it happened?" Neil asks.  
　  
"Not really, he stayed in his room a lot, when he was staying with me and Sophie, he said it made him feel safe." Isaac shrugs.  
　  
Safe Adam thinks, remembering a months old conversation with Tommy when they were on the bus in Adam's bed. Tommy had talked about liking the bus, about feeling safe there.  
　  
"I have an idea." Adam says, getting to his feet.  
　  
"Don't run off, we can't have you and Tommy missing." Neil groans. Adam ignores him. Neil doesn't follow, which shows he's smarter than he acts sometimes.  
　  
Adam leaves the hotel and goes to the parking lot outside where the two buses are parked. He goes to his bus first, Tommy always spent more time on it that the other, back when they were just friends, before they started going out and then once they were together he was always with Adam, in his room with him. He types in the code and lets himself in and at first he thinks he's wrong, the lounge is empty and the whole place seems still, quiet and abandoned. But then he hears a muffled sob come from further back in the bus and he quietly makes his way to his room.   
　  
When he opens the door his heart breaks. Tommy is sat on the floor in the far corner on the other side of the bed, wedged into the little gap, his knees pulled all the way up to his chest. Adam can't remember ever feeling so distressed over seeing someone else who is clearly distressed. Tommy's crying, his face wet and red, his eyes swollen, like he's been crying for hours. He did this, Adam did this to him. He pushed and pushed when Tommy was fragile and made him break. Upsetting Tommy so much that he ran like a distressed animal.  
　  
"Tommy." Adam says softly, not wanting to scare Tommy by getting closer or touching. Tommy looks up sharply and when he sees Adam, he tries to wipe his face with his sleeve, but then gives up, like he's either realized he can't hide that he's been crying or he's decided he can't be bothered.  
　  
"Everyone’s worried about you." Adam says softly. He's not trying to guilt trip Tommy, he just wants him to know that they all care about it, even if some of them, mainly him, haven't been all that good at showing Tommy that lately.  
　  
"I was gonna text Isaac, but my phone went flat. " Tommy admits, glaring at his cell, that's clearly been slung onto Adam's bed at some point.  
　  
"You can use mine if you want, let him know you’re okay if you’re not ready to go back yet." Adam offers, throwing his own phone on the bed and within Tommy's reach. He doesn't want to scare Tommy by getting close. Especially seen as he's probably the last person Tommy wants near him right now, seen as the last time they were in the same room, Adam had been acting like an asshole. It's hard, not going to Tommy, normally if Adam saw someone so distressed and crying, his first instinct would be to hug them.  
　  
Tommy picks up the phone, wearily like he half expects it to be some kind of trap. Adam just watches him and waits till Tommy stops texting and puts the phone down before he says anything.  
　  
"Are you okay?" Adam asks, which is a stupid question, he doesn't think people who are okay sit alone and cry for hours. Tommy is clearly upset and not at all okay.  
　  
"Why do you care?" Tommy asks, voice thick and scratchy from all the crying he must have done.  
　  
"I care, Tommy." he always had, it never stopped, even when he hadn't wanted to care anymore.  
　  
"How much did Isaac tell you?" Tommy asks.  
　  
"What?" That has nothing to do with how Adam feels about Tommy.  
　  
"Don't play dumb, I'm not stupid, I know he told you something." Tommy sighs.  
　  
"He was really worried when we couldn't find you." Adam says softly.  
　  
"How much?" Tommy demands.  
　  
"Probably everything," He doesn't know for sure and he isn't about to lie to Tommy, not now.  
　  
"Fuck, I was worried he would. Who else knows?" Tommy asks.  
　  
"Just me and Neil." Adam promises.  
　  
"And so what, now you feel too sorry for me to hate me? Is that it?" Tommy says sharply.  
　  
"No, Tommy no, I never hated you. The only man I hate right now is the man that hurt you." Adam swears, he can't help but think if he hadn't acted like a pissy diva before they went on break, none of this would have happened because he would have been back together with Tommy by then and he might not have even gone to the show.  
　  
"Sure as hell looks like pity from here." Tommy mutters quietly and Adam has to move closer, till he's sitting on the floor in front of Tommy, he hates the physical distance, hates that he was a part of the reason Tommy has ended up so distressed, crying helplessly for hours, it's not something he has ever seen Tommy do. A few tears when things were bad, when he went through shit and loses and hurt, but Adam has never seen Tommy like this.  
　  
"Not pity, regret, regret for every shitty thing I've said to you, every way I've fucked up. I fell for you hard and quick, I wanted you so badly and then I had you and I fucked it up. I don't blame you if you hate me." Adam sighs.  
　  
"I don't hate you." Tommy mumbles.  
　  
"I'm still in love with you, I never stopped and knowing that I could have lost you, that I could have lost the chance to make it all up to you, it makes my heart hurt. I should have trusted you more, I shouldn't have got so jealous all the time. There are so many things I should have done and shouldn't have done and I don't know if I can make it right, but I want to." Adam can hear the crack in his voice, he almost lost Tommy. He could have died a horrible death thinking Adam hated him. God if that had happened, Adam doesn't know what he'd do, distress doesn't even cover it.  
　  
"I didn't stop loving you. But I can't handle the possessiveness, the jealousy, it makes me feel like you don't trust me and that makes me so angry. I never want to hate you, Adam, life is too short to spend it hating people." Tommy sighs, his eyes look so painful and red, all his eyeliner gone, there aren't even smears on his cheeks, he's cried that much and Adam never wants to see that again.   
　  
"I can't say I'll be perfect, but I can promise that I trust you, I can try and show you that every day. I don't want us to hate each other either." Adam can't imagine any feeling he wants to feel less than hatred towards Tommy.  
　  
"So now what?" Tommy asks.   
　  
"We start again, from the beginning." Adam says, like it's simple, even though he doesn't think it is.  
　  
Tommy surprises him by moving forward and climbing into Adam's lap, burying his face against Adam's neck, he can feel hot breath and warm tears on his neck.  
　  
"For now, can I just have this? You make me feel safe." Tommy says into the skin of Adam's neck. Adam just nods and starts petting Tommy's back lightly.  
　  
They don't go straight back to dating, they work on fixing the friendship they had back in the beginning back. They spend time together, the only physical thing between them are hugs. They spend a lot of time hugging and Adam is glad he can feel safe. When they both decide they are ready, they go for the first date, making time around the tour, the shows, everything to go out on a real date. Before they leave, Isaac threatens to cut Adam's balls off if he ever hurts Tommy again and Adam believes him.  
　  
They go on a lot of dates before Adam asks if he can kiss Tommy, he keeps it soft and chaste and he ends up jerking off to the memory when he's alone later that night. After that there are more kisses and more dates. He takes it slow, not just because of the trauma Tommy has gone through, but because Tommy was right, they rushed into things last time and Adam doesn't want to rush again and ruin things.  
　  
Adam apparently takes things a little too slow for Tommy's liking. One night when they’re in Adam's room on the bus, making out on his bed, Tommy takes Adam's hand and shoves it down the front of Tommy's skin tight jeans. He takes the hint, working Tommy's cock until Tommy cums in his pants. Which gets him bitched at, but he can tell Tommy isn't really angry by the way he pins Adam down to the bed, straddling him, rubbing against Adam like a cat and kissing him deeply until Tommy isn't the only one with cum stained jeans.  
　  
They shower together and Adam begs Tommy to let him blow him, he's so turned on just from washing his boyfriend that he has to ask, he wants to do it so much, his mouth watering for it, but he's not about to pressure Tommy. It turns out Tommy is more than okay with Adam getting on his knees for him.  
　  
The tour’s almost over when one night Adam goes to his room and finds Tommy naked in his bed. He doesn't ask Tommy if he's sure, he knows he wouldn't be here if he wasn't. Tommy tries for hard and fast, acting like he wants to get pounded through the mattress. But when Adam pins him down and slows things down, Tommy practically melts, moaning low and throaty whenever Adam touches him. It's their first time together since they broke up, he doesn't want it to feel like just a fuck. He wants to show Tommy just how much he loves him, by worshipping his body. The sex is slow and drawn out, nothing but pleasure. After they’re done and cleaned up, Tommy stays, he's been sleeping in Adam's arms a lot lately, he says it keeps the nightmares away and Adam is more than happy to hold him, he'd thought he would never get this close to Tommy ever again at one point.  
　  
There is a thin line between love and hate, distress and joy. Love can bloom and grow, but it can also wither and die, there are not absolutes or guaranties, there is what there is, no more or less. He loves Tommy and Adam knows Tommy loves him and that's all he needs. He doesn't need promises to know that his lover will be faithful, he has trust. It doesn't always stop him from getting jealous, but it helps him be more rational about it. Because he knows, no matter who's talking to Tommy or looking at them, they don't have what Tommy has given him; his heart.  
　  
The End.


End file.
